When I Grow Up

The elementary school library was empty except for a friendly mom and her camera set up in front of the green leather chair. The cool of the leather swallowed my awkwardly pubescent body and the combo of my red shirt and evergreen chair created the sensation of too much Christmas.

It was the end of 6th grade and I had a perm. We were filming for our graduation video and all I had to do was say my name and what I was going to be when I grew up. Simple enough. "My name is Jenny Thorup and when I grow up I'm going to be a Mom."

Apparently that wasn't the answer this PTA mom was looking for. I think she kindly said that it was great I wanted to be a mom, but proceeded to ask me what else I wanted to be. Like a job? Hmmmm... "My name is Jenny Thorup and when I grow up i'm going to be a Broadway singer." Great. That's a wrap.

Although I'm a 7th grader here, this is the same shirt and hair style I had in the 6th grade movie....

Fast forward exactly 10 years to another exciting graduation. Thank heavens I've finally grown into my body and left that perm behind. I suppose you could say i'm "all grown up" now. I've got a college degree on my wall, a savings account, and a retirement plan. But, if i'm all grown up...shouldn't I know what I want to be by now?

In my current phase of life, I get a lot of questions like "If you could do anything (for a career or job), what would you want to do?" or "What's your dream job, where do you want to end up?" or my all-time favorite, "well, what are you good at?" These questions are supposed to help me find direction, a career, a purpose after school, but somehow they often leave me feeling even more confused.

BYU Graduation

In some ways I think i'm still stuck in that awkward angsty 6th grade mindset. Can't it just be ok that maybe I want to end up at being a stay-at-home Mom making lunches, running errands, fueling dreams? Is that somehow a waste of my potential, my brain, my talents? Do I have to prove something by being a successful Broadway singer, a professor, a lawyer, a business woman, etc.?

Now you're probably pegging me as that "molly-mormon", brainwashed, BYU girl, who went to college for the sole purpose to meet a husband and ultimately fulfill her one goal of bearing children. WRONG! Despite how it may seem, that's not it at all. I went to college because I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to be the woman who was independent and fit to support herself if life needed her to. I wanted to be intellectual, accomplished, cultured, able to make some sort of difference in the world. I wasn't trying to get married necessarily, but trying to become the type of woman that the man of my dreams would want to promise eternity for. And although I really want to be a Mom, I didn't want to be an undergraduate mother. (I still don't see myself having children till the latter end of my twenties) I wanted to be knowledgeable enough to teach my children about the world and empowering enough to show my daughters how to reach for the stars! 

For some, their University years are about becoming what they wanted to be when they grew up - the doctor, the history teacher, etc. And that is awesome, but my education was more about becoming a better me. Becoming Who I want to be when I grow up, instead of What. Admittedly, I watch friends get married, go to grad school, pursue PHDs, accept salary-paying positions, and that little feeling of being left behind as if i'm not living up to my full potential creeps up and sits on my shoulders. But, I'm realizing those feelings are only poor comparisons and comparing never leaves anyone happy. I'm me and I'm great. In a lot of ways, I'm still growing up. But, when I do grow up I am going to be something / someone beautiful and sparkling like a word, or a curling wave, and one way or another I'm going to be in love - with my life, with my husband, with my kids, and perhaps even with a career.