Dear Future Boyfriend

Happy Valentines day! A song came on my ipod yesterday and it made me think of you, so this is me just dropping a note with a quick heads up. You probably don't even know me yet, but here are 20 things you might need to know up front:

1. I have Popsicle feet and cold hands. Yes, it will startle you often and I'm sorry about that. Please don't pull your hand away simply because mine happens to be frozen.
2. I apparently shed like a German shepherd, so prepare to find blonde hairs on your jacket, in your car, on your person... sorry.
3. I don't like Salt and Vinegar chips or Greek olives and I probably never will.
4. I don't understand the art of good condiments. I generally take my sandwiches dry, so if i'm making a sandwich for you, be patient with me when I skimp on the mayo.
5. If you spontaneously dance with me while we're cooking, or anywhere at all, I'll probably fall in love with you.
6. Sharing what I love is one way I say "I love you," so when I share a favorite movie or song, please don't ridicule it. I'm sharing a part of me with you.
7. I have a small mouth. Thus explaining my horror when the waitress at Red Robin brings out that huge burger. (How ever am I supposed to bite into that?)
8. Sacrificing my sleep is another way I say "I Love You."
9. I'm going to want a bite of your food, and I may just sneak a french fry or two.
10. I like to talk...a lot, but it'll feel useless if you don't talk back. I'm shooting for deep conversation, not introspective monologues.
11. Just fair warning, I really won't like it if you are playing on your phone during sacrament meeting. That kinda irks me.
12. I am the world's worst rock skipper; can you teach me? I also need tremendous help with my Frisbee skills and bubble gum blowing skills.
13. I'm a mouth breather, so I sleep with my lips slightly ajar. Also, since my nose isn't too helpful, if you kiss me too long, I may need to break for a breath.
14. I bruise like a peach and i'm probably not going paint-balling with you because of it.
15. Yes, everything can be made into a song, and any word can lead to song lyrics.
16. Honestly, I melt for love letters. If you write me a heart-felt letter for my birthday every year, I will be completely satisfied.
17. I love going on walks with you - anytime, anywhere, any season.
18. I'm a planner, so if you've made a plan and a back up plan for our special evening, I'm going to be super impressed.
19. If you can tell i'm getting frazzled, just pull me in for a hug and kiss me on the forehead. I'll be fine quickly with a good dose of affection.
20. I promise to be incredibly patient, but in return you need to be patient with my heart. I am thinking through everything and need time to do so. :)

Did I just scare you away now? I sure hope not because when I love, I love deep. I want to surprise you at work or school with a homemade lunch, and help you study for that horrible final. I want to write you a love letter and make you feel better. I want to take you to places you've never discovered and to thoughts you've never considered. So whenever you're ready, let me know! Otherwise, I'll find you later on. Happy Valentines day.

Love,
your future girlfriend

---- For more----
Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband" - Click here
Amanda Torroni's poem - Click here
Joni Mitchell's "All I Want" Click here

Oranges

Sometimes there is nothing more satisfying than the sweet, tangy taste of an Orange.

 I once named oranges to be "ambrosia".

Although I don't love the orange dusting it leaves on my fingers, I will always adore the scent lingering on my skin. 

My grandpa used to love oranges. I remember him peeling an orange all in one peel. He would hold the spiraling rind up for me to admire before handing me a section of orange. I felt I had accomplished something magnificent the first time I successfully peeled an orange in one peel. I wish he could have seen it, maybe he did. 

When I think of Christmas, I often think of oranges. Our neighbor religiously gives us a giant  white box of oranges for Christmas each year. And for as long as I can remember, I have found an orange stuffed in the foot of my stocking Christmas morning. I asked my mother once why we always received an orange, to which she told me about her parents growing up during the depression. She told me that oranges were considered a great and expensive treat. I had never thought of oranges that way before.

As a child, I played a lot of soccer games. Half time seemed to always include orange slices. I remember putting the soft side of the slice in my mouth and sucking out all the juice. I would discard the rest and reach for another. My mother told me I was wasting the orange that way.  

Oranges are apparently the cure to all sickness. Whenever I felt a cold coming on, my mother would tell me to eat lots of oranges. I know it is because of the vitamin C, and to this day I grab an orange when my throat is feeling itchy. Whoever said "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" must have mixed up his fruits. 

Wintertime is orange time. It is the fruit I assume to be in season during the winter. Why is that? Do oranges grow well in the winter? All I know is that oranges and apples were my affordable produce purchases during those winter semesters. However, I remember a specific summer night watching the meteor shower out on the tramp. There were oranges and grapes, blankets and stars, and life was perfect for one evening. 

They are simple things, oranges. Rarely anyone's favorite fruit. They aren't even my favorite fruit, but they are a constant. They are reliable. Sometimes they are a pain to peel, they get stringy fibers all over, and sometimes they are sour, but I guess we are all like that sometimes. Perhaps if we are willing to dig deep, pull away at the strings, and endure the occasional sourpuss, people can be our ambrosia. 

A Happy New Year

This time of year we often briskly wish people "Happy New Year" in parting without thinking what we are actually wishing them. It's simple, I guess. We wish them a brand new year with the hope that it will be happier than the last. 

2014 was quite the year for me. I moved across the country and back again, I learned more about politics than ever before, I gained new friends, reunited with old ones, traveled by bus, plane, train, boat, and automobile, visited at least 6 art museums, attended about 20 live theater performances, I discovered the reality of exhaustion and the will to continue, I lost hair and gained wrinkles, I was brave, I welcomed deep sadness into the depths of my heart, I was exhilarated, I went on more first dates than ever before, I made some big decisions, I started new jobs, I taught politics, piano, English, and theater, I relied on the strength of my family, I ran, I took three road trips, bought a new car, and finally, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt beautifully satisfied with my imperfections! 

Of course my year was so much more than that. It was the little things, the people who entered and exited my life, the lessons learned, the emotions felt and expressed, the struggles, the rejoicings, all of it! I realize that new years usually bring about resolutions, but this year I've decided to simply write out hopes I have for the upcoming year. Here are a few:

I hope...

I'm more patient with my heart this year

I stay fit and confident

I let go of the past in order to embrace the future

I celebrate the joy of others

I am close enough to the spirit to feel directed on my decisions about Graduate School

I  am brave enough to step out of my comfort zones

I'm bold with my feelings and careful with my words

I hope I allow myself the opportunity to be imperfect 

I laugh and cry so hard it hurts long after I'm finished

I fall in love again

I gain greater understanding of God's plan for me

I learn to trust that plan

I make a difference in someone else's life 

I can be a missionary

I will write, travel, sigh, and of course....

always stay hopeful 

So here's to a happy new year! May we be courageous enough to try something new in order to be happier. 

What are your new year resolutions, or hopes?

You may also like:

---- "Not your Year" by the Weepies

----- Alfred Lord Tennyson - "Hope Smiles from the threshold of the year to come..."

Receiving the Gift of Christmas

Christmas isn't about presents;

It's about GIFTS. 

I know Christmas isn't about Santa or the packages under the tree, but the importance of gifts should not be overlooked at Christmas-time. Sometimes we try to incriminate the commercialized gifts of Christmas in order to heighten the spiritual importance of the season. But, the center of this holiday is in fact a gift. 

Christmas is a celebration of the gift of Christ, but what kind of Christ do we receive? I know this may seem like a strange question, but it is something I've been ruminating on recently. At Easter we tend to focus on the majesty and power of Christ and his ministry; we celebrate the gifts of his miracles, his atonement, his sacrifice, resurrection, and power to save. This is a man of majesty and glory extending to us the gifts of immortality and salvation. But, what kind of Christ are we given at Christmas? 

A sweet and tender babe. 

Yes, this baby is the Messiah, the Lord of lords, the King of Kings, the Prince of peace, and he will perform the greatest gift of love known to all mankind, but for this one moment, he is the baby asleep in the hay. To his bedside come shepherds bringing admiration, wise men bringing frankincense, gold, and myrrh, a father bringing support and protection, and a mother giving not only of her physical body, but surely a soothing kiss and loving words. Being so small and new, what could this little baby possibly give? 

The gift of HOPE and A PROMISE FULFILLED

Prophets had foretold of his coming for thousands of years and these prophecies were recorded in the Old Testament and also the Book of Mormon. Believers held onto the promise of a deliverer who would come and redeem them. He was a gift long expected. What must it have been like to believe in Christ when he had not yet come? 

The Book of Mormon provides a testament of the people living in the Americas at the time just before Christ's birth. Some of these people began to believe that "the time was past for the words to be fulfilled...therefore [the] joy and [the] faith concerning this thing hath been in vain" (3 Nephi:1:5-6). But, others continued to "watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been in vain" (3 Nephi 1:8). 

I imagine little doubts crept into the minds of those who believed, but harassment quickly turned to a life or death situation as "a day was set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass" (3 Nephi 1:9). 

The joy is that he came and the promise was fulfilled. 

Not only to those in America, but to those from the House of Israel awaiting their deliverance in the West, this baby brought the gift of hope and the assurance that their faith had not been in vain. 

So maybe Christmas isn't about Santa and toys, but it most certainly is about a baby and his gift to each of us. Here is hope. Here is the hope to fuel our faith in God's promises made to each of us. Here is the hope of Christ's promise to save our souls and heal our sorrows. 

In the midst of our holiday giving, let us remember and receive this precious gift. 

Merry Christmas!  

Defined by Numbers

I decided last night that I don't want to be defined by numbers. 

I am not the size etched in the waistline of my jeans. 

I am not an age

I am not a percentage 

I am not a test score

I am not a number. 

When I think to the times my heart sinks the most, it is often in the realization of man's inhumanity to man. During the Holocaust, one way the victims were dehumanized was through losing their names and identities. Each person was assigned and branded a number to replace their name. Similarly, slaves and prisoners were also branded with numbers. I think to one of my favorite musicals, "Les Miserables," where Jean Valjean is referred to as 24601 in the very opening song:

JAVERT: "Five years for what you did

The rest because you tried to run

Yes, 24601"

JEAN VALJEAN: "My name is Jean Valjean"

JAVERT: "And I am Javert

Do not forget my name!

Do not forget me, 24601"

Thankfully, I am not branded with a number in this manner. However, I see people define themselves with statistics and numbers all the time. I do not want numbers to define who I am. I am not a number; I cannot be a number because a number has no way of grasping my entirety. A number doesn't show you how funny my hair looks in the morning, or the way I crinkle my nose when I laugh. Yes, numbers can do amazing things in computers, machines, codes, etc. But, they cannot define who I am; that power is all mine. 

I'd Like to Clarify One or Two Things

 I have received various responses to my continuous effort to keep marriage near the top of my priority list. I realize that the majority of these comments are meant to comfort me in my singleness, but sometimes they just crawl underneath my skin. "Jenny, how old are you?" (answer) "Oh please, you are so young. Stop worrying so much." OR "When I was your age, I had no intention of getting married. Focus on just enjoying your life. Travel. Start your path to a career. If marriage happens, great! You don't need a man to be successful." AND "Think of all the amazing women who were not married until their thirties -(Insert endless amount of names here). Look at all the wonderful things they accomplished and the great husbands they found!" I'm not saying that I disagree with any of this. I know it was all given to help me feel better and be better, and I appreciate that, but here's the thing...

 I was on a date with a friend a while back. He inquired whether one of our mutual friends was married, so I said "No, she is not." To which he returned, "Jenny, are you really that depressed you are not married yet?!" -- I sat stunned at the thought that my unemotional answer would elicit such an emotional response. Is this what everyone thinks? To those of you with his same question, i'd like to clarify one or two things. 

#1. It has nothing to do with how old I am: My parents were married at the age of 25 and my siblings followed suit. I never grew up with the notion that I needed to be married at a young age. In fact, the earliest age I wanted to be married was 23. (Funny how we think we know how an age feels long before we get there) I don't advocate rushing into marriage, or putting it off. I believe people simply want to feel ready when that big day comes, and we are all ready at different times. As I stated, I am just barely in my designated age bracket for marriage. I don't feel like an old spinster, or that all my friends are married. This is not about age, it is about timing. I had a dear friend once express how nice it would be if God simply sent me a letter one day saying, "Dear Jenny, you're going to get married in a couple years. You don't need to worry so much. Please just work on enjoying the opportunities i'm providing you to be ready." I'm not frustrated that I'm 23 and unmarried. I'm simply trying to plan my life around an unknown. 

#2. I want to stop worrying about this. Another close friend of mine once suggested that if we all stopped worrying so much about dating, maybe it would just happen naturally. He's getting married now, so maybe he's right. No one should try to force marriage; we want that natural progression from friend to boyfriend, boyfriend to love of my life, love of my life to husband, etc. But despite how natural this process should be, the constant preaching about effort adds a lot of pressure. The worries creep in that I am responsible for my situation, I am not putting myself out there enough, i'm not stepping out of my comfort zone enough, i'm not vulnerable enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm too picky, i'm not picky enough, i'm not going on enough dates, i'm not accessible, i'm waiting for a guy who doesn't exist, i'm not good at this, and I should just be done. So you tell me, how do I not worry about this? 

#3. Depressed is not the word, and Marriage isn't actually the issue. I'm not upset that I am not married, or even overly sad. I'm still so young as you've all mentioned previously. You see, I am not actually worried about getting married right now at all.Yes, marriage would fit fine into my life right now if I were in love with someone I wanted to marry, and yes I still want to make marriage the priority. But to be honest, i'm not anxious about marriage, i'm anxious about falling in love again. 

There's the rub. I'm not envious that all my friends are getting married; i'm envious they have someone to pour their heart into. I've tried to just embrace the whole "I am single woman, hear me roar!" mentality and it doesn't stick. I don't like the "dating around" stage because I'm just no good at it. But, it's impossible to simply skip to the good part, so here I am. I guess i'm learning patience, but what I really want to learn is that my heart is capable of falling in love again. Even if it breaks, at least i'd know it still works. For a while, I feared the beating of my heart was slowing to that monotone sound of a dead-straight line. I looked at it helplessly, crying out for someone to please save it. With a transfusion of love from my friends and family, I began pumping large doses of hope back into my little heart. It resuscitated temporarily, but continues deflating. I've decided there must be a hole; something must be missing. I'm not sure how to fix it, except to find a receptacle for the love that is bleeding out uncontrollably.

So here's the clarification: I am not depressed that I am not married yet, and I don't feel pressured to get married soon. I'm depressed that i'm so bad at being single, and I feel pressured to fall in love again before my heart empties completely. 

My Medicine Cabinet

It's that time again. Flu and Cold season! When we don't feel well, we head for the medicine cabinet. I'm sure we each have our personal remedies that "honestly work the best" up front on the shelves. But, what do we reach for when we aren't feeling well on the inside? Is there a medicine cabinet for that, and what in the world would we put in it? 

It's just a thought, but a thought that has been ruminating for a while now. I think I want to build a medicine cabinet containing the following:

1. A book of poetry
2. An ipod full of my favorite music - specifically replaying the Weepies, Ingrid Michelson, and Joni Mitchell  
3. A movie that's going to make me cry and then leave me smiling
4. High-quality Chocolate (best band aids I hear)
5. Scriptures / My patriarchal blessing 
6. A coloring book with a big box of crayons 
7. A cook book with ingredients all ready to go
8. A pre-paid plane ticket to the beach 
9. Some of my old writings and letters
10. A box of exercise clothes with a Zumba membership
11. A cell phone with all my friends and family on speed-dial 
12. Fresh flowers
13. A ticket to a live play
14. Fall leaves
15. A cuddly pillow and blanket 
16. Cleaning supplies (sometimes feeling productive is my best medicine)
17. Jeans that fit perfectly 
18. Tchaikovsky's "None but the Lonely Heart" piano music. 
19. All episodes of Boy Meets World 
20. A list of friends who need a friend

So, what's in your cabinet?