Dear Daddy,
Happy Birthday! I’m wondering if birthdays become
insignificant once you’ve died, or if your death day becomes a new type of
birthday? It still surprises me that you’re not here anymore. Lately, people
have been checking up on me, asking me how I’m doing and if this holiday season
has been especially difficult. Ashamedly, I often don’t realize
that they’re referring to the absence of you. Truth be told, though I often
feel your physical absence, I rarely feel you gone. Remarkably, I see you still
taking care of me and our family. You planned so well, and you take care of us
so well.
Dad, I’m having a hard time filling your shoes. I tried to
rake the leaves in the yard, but I couldn’t get all of it done before the snow
came. The side yard is still covered in leaves; I’m sorry. How did you get all
of the leaves out of the flower beds? I’m struggling on that one. Do the leaves
just decompose and feed the soil? I sure hope so. Michelle and I cleaned out
the rain gutters. You’ll never believe what we found! The gutters were clogged
with all sorts of debris from when we got the new roof—tiles, nails, etc. Those
workers sure left a mess. After we cleared it out, the gutters poured forth
water like a fountain into the yard. You would have been happy.
We thought we weren’t going to do a big Thanksgiving dinner
this year, but you know Mom, she has a hard time not hosting. I think she
really misses you. I think she needed to host a Post-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving
because she misses you. I tried to clean the table up just the way you taught
me, making sure the nice silverware doesn’t go in the dishwasher, and washing
each goblet by hand. It’s a lot of work. You did a lot of work.
We put up both Christmas trees successfully, and managed to
force that giant bough over the door. I’m so glad you told Michelle about how
the lanterns have electrical plugs inside them! I had no idea. We have yet to
tackle putting lights up on the house. I don’t know if we’ll ever get to it. It
kind of makes me sad because you always did such a nice job.
When I say that I rarely feel you gone, I don’t mean to say
I don’t miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss your steadiness and stability. I
haven’t been feeling so steady or stable recently. I really miss hearing you
sing in the choir. I started crying in the car the other day because the
station was playing Rutter’s “Candlelight Carol” and it made me think of you. I
miss you whenever I eat mashed potatoes. I miss the way you used to grumble
every time I put up that loud Santa Claus that greets people at the door. I
think Michelle keeps turning it off though, so the battle continues. I miss the
way you’d set up a little wrapping station in your bedroom and watch old
Christmas specials while we assigned you which gifts go to which person and
under which tree. You were always so helpful.
I don’t expect we’ll be getting a big basket of goodies this
year from that one organization that always sent you a big basket. Those
baskets were extravagant, to say the least. I loved unpacking them with you and
awing over the expensive cheeses and random baubles. People sure loved and
appreciated what you did for them. I know I did.
Well, I am realizing that I have a lot I want to talk to you
about, so maybe I’ll try to write more often. I think I’d like that. Anyway, I
just wanted to remind you how much I love you on your birthday. I wanted to
tell you that I miss you, but that I know you’re not too far away. I wanted to
thank you for taking care of me and supporting me, even now. You taught me how
to be a real Lady, and a resourceful one at that. I love you Daddy
